Others may promise you the secrets of the dead. It's a Wonderful Afterlife delivers... and at a reasonable cost! You get six big stories for $1.99: that's at least a dozen trips to the toilet with your new Christmas iPad. If you've got Amazon Prime you can even borrow it for free. So you can drop a deuce with Charley, Dr. Ira, St. Gerard Majella and even Jesus Christ himself -- and it won't cost you a dime. (Sorry, toilet paper not included in this deal: it's electrons all the way down).
Act now. Or don't. It ain't like the dead are going anywhere.
That out of the way: Happy New Year to one and all. May New Year's Eve 2014 leave us all happier, healthier and more prosperous than we are today.