Monday, February 29, 2016

SET WARS: Cantus in Memoriam Andre Schlessinger

"This must be a joke!" St. Kevin-Wan Kenobi tells his faithful robot and smoking device C-420. "Maninblacka would rip Kylo Necchi limb from limb!" 

"Necchi swung his lightsaber at Cliff So-Low in an attempted parricide," C-420 explains as St. Kevin-Wan partakes of his Volcano attachment.  "But at the moment his blade would have struck So-Low turned to his browser and closed 37 tabs.  The strike missed him by mere micrometers.  Our Wookie friend, I'm afraid, was not so fortunate."

St. Kevin-Wan Kenobi shakes his greying head sadly and blows out vapor.  "I still don't believe it."

"Believe it." Yoda LaVey's cheap CGI image flickers on the wall. "Throw up on Yoda LaVey's shoes last night, Maninblacka did.  'Drink with Lemmy you should not' Yoda tells him. But ignore Yoda he does."

Meanwhile, from a darkened table behind them a battered old man in a motheaten SS uniform rants at his Denobian companion.

"Mit der Reichsmarshall's soapmaking skill it couldn't fail.  Und so ve leased ein factory und bought ein option on Egan der Hutt's corpse.  Vhen his overtaxed heart finally exploded ve vere going to be keeping der galaxy in suds for decades.  Und vhat does he die from? CANCER!!!"

Der Reichsmarshall raises his liver-spotted fist to the water-stained ceiling.  "Zere vusn't enough fat left on his worthless carcass to scrub a Paraguayan prostitute's poonany! Not zat ve can go back to Paraguay now thanks to zat troublemaker Weisenthal."

Der Reichsmarshall's Denobian companion chortles sympathetically as the camera shifts back to our crew.  

"In all the universe, amongst all the darkest and foulest of all the Sith Lords, there's only one person who can tolerate that whiny little prick Kylo Necchi.  And he's dead."

Yoda LaVey slaps St. Kevin-Wan on the head with a pixellated hand. "Stupid you are.  Remember you must what the forbidden volume says."

"You mean Hustler's Almost Legal?"

"Not that one!" Another slap.  "Remember, 'That is not  dead which can eternal lie.' And who can lie eternally like Egan the Hutt?"

* * * * *


Meinkmfpa, Senior Sewage Control Official and Rebellion Leader (Retired) bellows out Maninblacka's final words, then places the beshrouded corpse in the Porcelain Gateway.  The gathered wookies howl along in rejoinder: their cries rise to a crescendo as Meinkmpfa pulls the handle and sends Maninblacka  to the Eternal Waters with a royal flush. 

Cliff So-Low frowns.  "Emo boys.  Why did it have to be Emo boys?"

"It's worse," St. Kevin-Wan says.  "There are dark forces moving behind Kylo Necchi.   And not just when he's cruising pay toilets."  St. Kevin-Wan looks up to the heavens.  "Where is the old crew now?"

"Princess Curio was last seen running for elected office on Bedlam VII." So-Low peers at 694U's screen. "Lupo Skywalker is a quant geek and Bay Area neofascist. Les Les Masters is the Missouri lieutenant governor.  St. Kevin-Wan Kenobi is married with children and working at a shoe store."

St. Kevin-Wan rolls his eyes.  "Don't remind me."

"And Maninblacka, well... "

St. Kevin-Wan shakes his grizzled head again as 694U bleeps out an 8-bit rendition of Chopin's Funeral March.  "And the opposition?"

694U pulls up another list.  So-Low examines it then frowns.  

"All vanished without a trace.  Nobody has seen them, heard them or thought of them for over a decade."

"They may be forgotten, but they aren't gone." St. Kevin-Wan reaches into his pocket.  "This is the calling card Kylo Necchi left on Maninblacka's corpse."

Sith Brotherhood of Darkness
unseen but not unknown

So-Low wrinkles his nose.  "Who released the SBD?" 

"An excellent question! Fire up the Necronomicon Falcon, Mr. So-Low. It is time for us to pay a visit to the Dumbshit Nebula."